The Longest Haircut

.

It might take forever

but at least its for free

I might not like the styling

but I cant be too picky

of course I have no say in the matter

hence this spin on my mane

the Lord is my barber

I shall not complain

.

The Missing Man

I have to..

I had to...

I have to have this because...

I had to do that because...

It's just what we do...

Stop asking me so many questions!!

Like Eichmann 

who had to follow orders

..and the guy on the train

with the earring

...and the one next to him

with the hat

...and the woman next to him

tired...has to make dinner

for her family..

...because it's what we

HAVE to do DAMMIT

Angry Resentful People

trying so hard

Did you notice..?

there was one person

so obviously missing

amongst the thousands

...the most important

person on earth

The Individual

the free individual human being

who makes choices

and lives with eyes wide

o     p     e    n

I choose to...

I chose to...

(it really makes no

difference why

you choose to)

If it's my choice

I own it

Do not take away my breath..by

smothering me in

"has to"

do not halve me

with "have to"s

Empower me

Educate me

Inspire me

I get up in the morning

..and go to work

because I choose to

..she makes dinner

because she chooses

...to keep her family fed

and happy

...and when she chooses not to

she doesn't

..and lives with the consequences

a human being

tomorrow night

I will choose to accept 

Gods gift

why?

because it's what I choose to do

and that's all that matters

.

Tragedy

.

Whenever parents bury a child, it's just the saddest thing.
I don't know how people have the strength to bear such pain.
But for me it's especially heartbreaking when I know the young boy and his sweet smile that the world will never see again.

The community always responds in the same knee jerk reactionary way.
Looking for possible reasons.
Like a guessing game..is it tznius? or loshon hara? or perhaps sinas chinam?
Trying to appease an angry god.
Quaking in their pants wondering if they're next.

To me that's just so twisted.

The lessons here are staring us in the face.
Children are so vulnerable and delicate.
They need more hugs.
They deserve more undivided attention.
Stop texting when your child is talking to you.
Stop hurting them by yelling and demeaning them.
Surround them with love..not manipulation.
Create a safe place for them...and they will grow into healthy adults.
If you create a hostile environment for them, the'll spend the rest of their lives trying to protect and defend themselves.

The bottom line is.
The length of our children's years is something completely out of our control.
The quality of of their time is COMPLETELY in our control.

There's no guessing game here. This is the inherent lesson within this tragedy.

Yosef Meir Berger Z'L
.

unwanted transfer

.

minding my own business

walking down the street

when this well dressed man

falls at my feet..

..there is anguish in his eyes

he starts beating his head

to the ground..and his cries

oh his cries and his wails

"I can't take this anymore..

....I CANT ANYMORE"

as blood starts pooling

my blood starts pounding

as I beg him to stop

STOP...

Talk to ME

what's going on??

I'm shaking now

..anguish in my eyes

I fall to the ground

...as his problems

become mine

.

God is....

.

People travel all over the world looking for God.

They climb mountains and seek guide doGs.

People peruse books and search secret tomes for the elusive God.

When all this time He's been hiding in broad daylight..

And we push him away..and bludgeon Him to death.

Look around.

Turn on that little switch in your soul..that will open your eyes.

And you'll see.

God is....
......other people.






.

Fraud!

There's a huge fraud being perpetrated on our community by none other than our leaders. I don't believe that it's being orchestrated willingly but that doesn't make it any less scandalous.

I'm talking about the very lucrative better parenting/better interpersonal skills motivational speeches/courses industry.

Here's why it's a complete waste of time and money.

The above mentioned issues are not issues which can be logically addressed and fixed. 

The perceived issues are really inside of you or me or whoever is going for help.

The root cause of the problem can usually be narrowed down to a few deep rooted faults that have usually been with us since childhood.

But here's the cruel part.

These traits have been acquired when we were in a stage in our lives where we had no choice in the matter, and so were crucial to our survival.

Anger, Ego and Fear are some of the bodies means of preservation..and when it comes to preservation, no logic in the world can override the mammal inside of you.

Just like you can't help salivating when you're really hungry and a piece of food is placed before you.

People need to realize this.

Instead of acknowledging this, people shame and hide their dark sides compounding the problem.

The more something is smothered..the more it needs to breathe.

One way out for a persons dark side is through projection.

When a person has an issue that he's ashamed of he'll try denying and smothering it. But when that person sees someone else with this same issue he'll project all his anger outward onto that person. This is why people with their own issues are always the first ones jumping all over others with the same issues. Their anger and disgust suddenly has an external target.

Unfortunately this happens oftentimes with our own children.

When a child of ours has a trait that we hate in ourselves, we WILL feel fear, disgust and anger. You can go to a million lectures..it will not help.

Until a person can accept and love himself completely, even his dark side then he will be stuck.

I'm really not sure if the speakers themselves know this or not but if they do then they're doing their audience a terrible disservice.

I personally know of a famous Rav who is a very famous writer and speaker on Shalom Bayis and Chinuch who is an absolute terror in his own home. I'm friends with his son and he would tell me how his father would abuse his own wife mere minutes after counseling other couples.

I truly feel bad for this man. He knows what to do...but CANNOT..because he has not resolved his own internal mess.

I'm not going to go into how this is achieved but I will say that the first step is internalizing the fact that there is no dark side. It's all you and it's all there for a reason.

It's just a shame that speakers don't notify their audiences before expounding on their genius theories.

.

Sorry

I sold my blog to a goy for pesach because a few of my posts had chomeitz and I cannot find him to buy it back. I hope to resume posting next week.

floating

as the night lingered
into timelessness
and the words and tunes
took me to magical spaces
swinging on a rope bridge
under the clear full moon
and as I'm listening to children
regale me with midrashim
one more unbelievable than the next
(did you know that babies grew
..out of the ground and sucked
milk from rocks..?
..and when the wild beasts came
they brought their environments with...
...so imagine the polar bears..
and so on...in my haze
the ropes and strings
holding me up.to the land
to security of rationale
start snapping one by one..
terrified at first...
...I relax
as the last of the ropes
gives way...
and...I look down
...I'm floating
I'm in a world of
God Rationale..
no no..it's not
a suspension of logic
it's God Logic..
as much logic as the
human kind
and..it feels good
...to let
go





.

this year

this year we are slaves
..next year we will be free
this year we are here
..next year in the land of Israel
Why is this night different?
..why do we eat matzah
eat maror..dip twicerecline
?
why? why? WHY?

next year...
..there will be no questions
no expectations
..to befuddle
no nature..to contrast
miraculous

next year we will be free
..and nothing will
ever be
different
this year we are slaves
to...expectations




.

greater than God

.


there is only one thing
...in the universe greater than

God

..and it is I
because
...God only exists
because I choose him to


.

luck of the draw..

After hours of crunching numbers I've come to the conclusion that it's worth a $2 investment for the chance at winning $540 million.
$360,000,000 didn't quite do it for me.
Apparently millions of other people have been crunching the number as I have..

Amazingly If one were to buy up every single number combination possible, thus guaranteeing a win, it would cost $176 million which would amount to a profit of $117,000,000 after taxes.
Pssst...anyone have $176 million to lend?
I promise to pay you back next week.

Oh wait a minute..that's only if I'm the sole winner.

Oh..and even if it took 5 seconds to fill out each card..it would take 28 years to fill out all the cards.

But maybe a yeshiva with hundreds of volunteers and a large stash of funds could take advantage?

One other thing...according to the National Lottery Commission you'd use up the national supply of lottery paper and printing ink before you could print up all your tickets..and I aint investing $176,000,000 unless I know every SINGLE last number combo is covered.
Because after all..the same cosmic forces that might make someone a millionaire with a single number combination could make me a pauper...with that very same combination..if it's the one ticket I didn't buy...


.


.

What am I?

.

Very few tragedies could compare to a woman losing her husband and all her 5 children all at once. Usually one goes to shiva house and finds six people sitting shiva for one person, not one person sitting shiva for six.

These last few days I find my mind turning to Avivit Shaer every once in awhile on its own accord.
It just cannot to break away from this tragic story because my mind needs to address so many swirling existential questions in this horrific maelstrom.

What are we?
What about our reality can we trust?
How do I define myself?
Am I a father? A husband?
Who was Avivit yesterday?
Who is she today?
One minute follows the previous which follows the one before that and they turn into clumps of hours and mounds of days.
They then become mountains of expectations. I expect to be what I was before, because....I'm not sure why..but probably because it's what I expected yesterday and it happened.
Expectations in turn..morph into a sense of entitlement...because after all I'm entitled to all I have this minute..because after all..I expected it a minute ago and it happened.
The mountains of expectations become an alternate reality.
I expect those that love me will continue to love me because they loved me yesterday..and then a slight fork in the road develops..one road is the road of reality and the other, the road of expectations.
I expect that there will be enough money to sustain me because there was enough yesterday and because my ego won't allow me to see the growing debt..and once again there's a fork in the road..
I expect that I won't have pain today because I did not have pain yesterday..and so expectation leads to entitlement which leads to anger when there is pain..

This is such flimsy reasoning and yet it's how we function.

So..what am I?

I know that I cannot trust my expectations. The illusion might create some sense of stability but they also rob me of true happiness. They rob me of that sense of intense gratitude that I should be feeling every waking minute because there's no gratitude in getting what you're entitled to be getting.

If I cannot trust expectations then what then can I trust?
I can only trust reality.
I can trust that what's happening to me at that second is really happening to me..devoid of all expectation.
But what is reality?
Reality is this moment...empty of ego, entitlement and expectation.
Reality is allowing yourself to jump off the top of the staircase..because the next moment is waiting to catch you..
Reality is lonely.
Reality is exhilarating.

What am I?
I'm not a "what"
Tables and chairs are "whats".
I cannot be defined and quantified.
I weep at the death of my expectations.... It's ok..
I leap off the edge of the mountain...into reality..
Into God
Because when I eliminate my ego and sense of entitlement that comes along with it..all that's left..
Is God



.

impossible spring

.


as I lay here in bed
warm breeze at my head
...birds serenade
winter evaporates
cold death reversed
the world..no longer cursed

I imagine that first year
when seasons appeared
when spring then summer was the norm
the panic that followed..when autumn
with a chill
went on to kill
green to brown
birds..no longer around
flowers and fruits
lying limp on their roots
the utter despair
life itself..disappears
month after cold month
(sorry there's no rhyme for month)
waiting for the end
just around the bend..
lying on a cold hard bed
suddenly, warm breeze at my head
...birds serenade
winter just evaporates
cold death reversed
the world no longer cursed

It's impossible...
and yet

..it's spring



.

The Longest Courtship

.


I always assumed it was mine.
It just belonged to me like her white desk by the window.
The one with all her little things in little holders..
But as I walk beside her..
Her long brown hair flowing in the breeze.
I long to see beyond the smile..and beyond the frown..
The changing persona..and the distance between us..
If it takes a hundred years to figure out..
And then another thousand to glue back together...
I'll do it with her.
Just as I helped string her bracelet..last week.

I know now...that the love at first sight..of the first 11 years..
Could hardly be called love anymore..
That this courtship...might just be the longest, most arduous journey I've ever taken.
That..her soft cheek..might never feel my lips again..
She hands me the balloon of expectations....and I release it into the clear blue sky..
To her delightful laughter..
And together we watch it ride a breeze..
Now it's all so new..this young woman whose love I want so desperately..
And me..whose love I know she needs so desperately..
So..I'll tell it to her again and again...

Those things we assume are ours need to be earned each day anew..
And of those precious things...there's none more precious..
..than a daughters....love




.

reality is dead..long live reality

.

I've come to believe that there is no such thing as objective reality.

What we call reality is an overlapping of 7 billion subjective realities.
7 billion realities and universes somehow sharing the same space.


Ironically, the only objective reality there might be is God, and yet God himself chooses to judge according to and within the confines of every individual subjective reality.
In the meantime we little humans have the audacity to make ourselves Godlike and judge others as if there were an objective reality that we had access to.

If we could somehow squeeze ourselves into another's subjective reality then one can find compassion for even the vilest of people.
That's when we're truly Godlike.


.

spring and fall

.

but what if...
...someone is
constantly springing
...backward and
falling
...forward?


.

the mask

.


I open the black
...box..and there
against the black
...velvet..is
a white mask
..cold and white
frozen
...crafted smile
I hold it up
......sigh
and thank it
for always
....being there
for me
..when my other
face..was inaccessible
I feel the porcelain
...familiar
to my touch
..a tear quietly
escapes..unknowingly
and falls onto
it's....smooth
...surface
I whisper
"I don't need you
...anymore"
and kiss its
frozen smile
...before
letting it drop
...to a thousand
pieces



.

Lakewood Eugenics 2012

.

The fog was as thick as the mystery surrounding the top secret meeting about to take place in the non-descript bi-level house off the lake. Dark cars were emerging from the white fog one by one and dropping off their cargo at the front door.
The Rabbonim, Roshei Yeshiva, Menhalim and Menahalos took off their coats and entered the dining room. They were all gathered for the monthly meeting of Lakewood eugenics and bio-engineering.
Eugenics was a pseudo science championed by many scientists at the turn of the 20th century. It sought to engineer the creation of an Ubermensch or Super Person by selectively breeding smart and talented men and women. This could be achieved voluntarily or through euthenasia programs like those utilized by the Nazis in their desire to create the perfect German youth.
The men and women in the room were a select group of High School directors and principals for boys and girls. Their goal was to effect eugenics by means of segregation. They hoped that by only choosing the Aleph Aleph students to their schools they would over time force those students who weren't the smartest and most elite to either leave town, leave the fold altogether or at the very least to associate with lower elements of society. Then the best of the boys would marry the best of the girls. This way they hoped to create the "perfect" student within 2 generations.

Rabbi Genasky of Yeshiva Mekor Habrocha was the first to speak..
"Rabboisai, imagine a world where we won't have to worry about any challenges", he said passionately," no more explaining the Gemora more than 2 or 3 times..or having give any more of our precious time than is necessary".
Rabbi Steinberg of Mishkan Torah was the next to speak.
He looked back at his own time in Yeshiva and wished things were different.
"I remember we had a lot of boys in class that were mitziyanim but there were also some weaker boys. Oy they used to drey us a kop to help them understand the Shiur. I don't want my Talmidim to have to go through that. I want them to be lamdonim..to be able to plug over my shiurim with all their focus."

They all nodded in agreement and smiled to themselves.

As they left into the silent night they all took with them the secret dream that was finally coming to fruition. The dream that was soon to be a reality, and they were the chosen leaders that would breed and groom this new super race into a glorious future for Lakewood.



.

Evolution in our Time

.

symbiosis (ˌsɪmbɪˈəʊsɪs, ˌsɪmbaɪˈəʊsɪs)

— n
1. a close and usually obligatory association of two organisms of different species that live together, often to their mutual benefit



One of the most fascinating facets of the natural world is the arrangement known as symbiosis. This is when two completely different organisms evolve together in an arrangement that is mutually beneficial to both organisms.
One example of symbiosis is the teeth cleaning habit of the plover bird who hops into the mouth of the crocodile and picks bacteria out of it's teeth while the crocodile keeps its mouth open like a good boy in a dentists chair.
Another example is the way the clown fish is able to live inside the dangerous tentacles anemones without being effected by it's toxic shocks.
There are many other examples in the aquatic world of normally predatory fish coming to cleaning stations to get groomed by fish they would ordinarily eat.
We are not exactly sure why some species evolved to be independent and completely self sufficient while others need other species to come to arrangements with but that doesn't change the fact that the phenomena exists.






It's not every day that we get to witness the genesis of a symbiotic (if there's such a word) arrangement but apparently we are living in just such a time.
I am referring to the relationship between the walker and the tennis ball.
Apparently the walker evolved in an environment where there were many tennis balls floating around. And when it needed to glide on a smooth surface, instead of growing padded bottoms as you would expect, the bright yellow tennis ball hungry for some rubber bacteria perhaps, came along and latched onto the bottoms of the walkers thus creating the perfect symbiotic relationship. Or perhaps the tennis balls just missed their owners so much, those that lovingly took them out every sunday morning along with their white shorts but could no longer play due to old age or injury. Whatever the reason may be, this arrangement looks likes it's here to stay and we get to bear witness to the wonders of evolution first hand.
In a million years from now scientists will still be marveling at this unlikely pairing.





.



.

shadow

.


never far..
..dark
...contorted
following
close by
..climbing walls
growing and
shrinking
...my shadow
shadow
....scares me
Although
(perhaps because)

....all it really is
is ME
..getting in the way
of the light
(...ye definitely
because)




.

Free Will vs Divinely Inspired Action

There's a very illuminating vort on Parshas Mishpatim in the Mei Hashiloach.
I'll keep it short and to the point.
A recurring theme in his philosophy and in the writings of other mainly Chasidic leaders is this idea that all our actions are directly caused by Hashem and are thus part of his divine plan. The punchline is usually, therefore don't get too down on yourself by things you've done because it wasn't really you doing it, it was Hashem.
Which naturally brings up some obvious questions, like where does free will fit into this picture? and why accept consequences if ultimately it was a divine occurrence?

Here's the gist of what he says.
It says in Tehillim "Somech Hashem L'Chol Hanofelim V'Zokef L'chol Hakefifim".
Hashem supports those who have fallen and makes upright those that are bent over.
There are two spiritual states..one is a Kafif meaning he's bent over but hasn't yet fallen, and then there the Nofel, one that has already fallen.
The Kafif represents a mind burdened with toxic waste. It might be full of resentment, anger, haughtiness or lust. It has un-resolved issues marinating inside. When a person is in this state it's very difficult to resolve what's going on and do Teshuva. So Hashem brings them out into the realm of action. The arena of action thus becomes a workshop all his deep issues. So out of His goodness Hashem will cause him to sin so that he can go from being a bent over Kafif to a fallen Nofel. Once they're in the world of action, now they can be addressed and resolved.
So the fact that our sins might be divine occurrences doesn't contradict our free will because the actions that God causes are just a release of toxic waste which is in our minds and souls in order for us to do Teshuva.





.

Off the Derech, reframed

.

A few weeks ago the Mishpacha magazine published an article by Ronnie Greenwald about frum teens going off the derech and the way their parents handle it. In it he mentions that he sometimes hears from parents that they wish their child were dead rather than off the derech.
Needless to say Rabbi Greenwald reacted strongly to that sentiment and most letters to the editor reflected that as well.

There was however one letter from someone D.S. from Lakewood who staunchly defended a parents right and prerogative to wish their child dead rather than sully their soul further.
He mentions the Mitzvah of Ben Sorer U'Moreh to support the idea that the Torah would rather see an errant boy dead than alive when in fact one can deduct just the opposite from this commandment.
The Talmud says that there has never been such a case in history. The conditions are simply too far fetched. I look at this and see quite clearly that Hashem is telling us that, don't think you humans can ever decide on your own when to give up on someone. I'm giving you this mitzvah but I'm also showing you that you have no business carrying it out.

Here are some random thoughts that come to mind...

I find that there are two types of people that are "off the derech" these days.
There are the ones that we see around us, the subject of the above mentioned article. Here's how it usually happens.
Most people live inside spheres of gravity that keep their homeostasis somewhat regulated. If not for these, while we might be more free in a sense of the word, we'd also be living highly volatile lives. These spheres usually consist of family, friends and lifestyle. Think of a moon orbiting a large planet. The moon might fluctuate a little, but is kept in place by the gravity of the larger planet. Our "life" keeps us on a general path even for those that might question it here and there. It usually takes some kind of trauma, either a one time acute event or a long term festering chronic situation that will knock someone out of the orbit of family and lifestyle. This is most often the case with these "off the derech" boys and girls. Their orbit no longer feels safe, or some kind of trauma has created a situation where being inside the orbit is more painful than leaving it. Religion itself is very rarely the primary target, rather it becomes representative of the one that has caused the pain. Only someone very sick, narcissistic and controlling person would wish nothing but compassion for these "troubled" youth.

Then there are those that are off the derech for intellectual reasons, usually atheism. These are popularly known as frum skeptics. These are the old fashioned heretics and apikorsim that family members used to sit shiva over in the past.

Here's the irony.
These frum skeptics more often than not are perfectly happy living in the orbit of the frum lifestyle. They don't leave their families nor change their outwardly appearance.
They look the part of pious jew, go to synagogue, openly keep the laws of Shabbos etc while blogging online how they don't believe in God.
So this father who wrote the letter invoking the old reaction of wishing death upon his wayward child for leaving the fold might be going to shul bemoaning his fate to his friend or chavrusa or "the sheina yid" or even Rabbi who in turn might be nothing more than the true heretic of old who doesn't have the guts to live according to his true convictions.

Then I have this vision of that unavoidable meeting after 120 where he'll find his sons "troubled" soul at long last at peace at the right hand of the father who never stopped loving him, while he is suddenly confronted with that horrifying reality that is the role his egotistical and controlling nature played in kicking his son out of the orbit of Judaism.



Let me end with the words of the poet Khalil Gibran. Words that every parent should read at least once a day.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, 'Speak to us of Children.'

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.




.

mourning grogginess

.

the beeping
...pulled him
back
leaving a

groggy
black
...feeling
in the void

...the characters
of his dream
..mourned
his
...premature death


.

your greatest enemy

.


I am your greatest enemy
I take away your freedom
I kill your dreams....
I'm waiting for you
...every morning
with a list of resentments..
and reasons to feel down
I have your acquaintances
......all lined up
I attach the habits to your wings
that make it impossible
.................for you to fly
and what makes me most
FRUSTRATING......(ugh)
...is that I am no longer here
for you to stare
down..and yet...
I will ALWAYS be here
stealing your FR E E D O M


I am
...yesterday




.

65 degrees

.


It's 65 degrees on February 1st
(the winter poems are rapidly melting)
....I think I'll take the dog out for a walk

Oh wait.....I don't have a dog..
....oh wait
It's 65 degrees on February 1st

.....maybe I have a dog after-all


.

my beatdown in court

.

9:10
I arrive in court 10 minutes late with a pile of sheets in hand, out of breath.
Today was the day justice would be served.
I was confident and feeling assured when I strode into the hushed courtroom.
Two months earlier I was wrongfully pulled over by a state trooper on the Garden State Parkway and given a ticket for "use of handheld device". The thing is, I was holding it in my hand because my iphone is also the remote control for my music collection which gets piped through the bluetooth speakers in the car.
So I looked up the law and saw that it said "no phone or texting or use of communcations..", printed it out along with my phone and text records which show that no calls were made nor texts sent at the time I was pulled over and was ready to defend myself.
I walked in and looked around a about 400 occupied chairs and people standing along the side and back walls.
I shelved my apology for coming late and stood there a bit bewildered.
All eyes were on the man sitting high above all others in a long black robe. The name plate oh his desk identified him as Judge Thompson.
There was an intimidating looking sergeant standing in front of him in a smart looking uniform, bald head and a stern mouth stuck in the half-frown position.
The judge was conducting the room like an orchestra. A parade of defendants would take their place before him and he'd open up their files, quickly look over them and start talking in a monotonous voice.
"Sir, you're aware of the charges against you..?"
"You can either settle it in court today for $750, or you have the right to an attorney..blah blah blah"
He was clearly enjoying his job and power. He had this passive aggressive and very condescending demeanor.
I was getting angrier and angrier as he just strong armed hapless defendant after hapless defendant into filling the city coffers (the coffers that pay his salary!).
10:00
I finally found a seat.
As much as the room keeps emptying it still looks full.
10:30
Someone cellphone rings, half frowned Sergeant in the front scowls.
11:00
Starting to get really hungry.
11:30
All proceedings stopped as a screen with a live hookup to the county jail is revealed. One by one a line of black males stand before the unflattering camera with their cases. The judge is clearly enjoying this.
Apparently it's easier to be condescending when the victim is not in front of you.
The room breaks into laughter sporadically.
Abused becomes abuser.
12:00
I'm starting to get dizzy.
A smart dressed young man gets up, but something about him is different. He doesn't have that defeated, submissive look to him.
The judge is visibly agitated.
Bald headed, half frown, smart uniform clenches his jaw.
The judge dictates his terms to him.
"Pay $900 in fines today and avoid possible suspension of license..blah blah"
The smartly dressed guy opens his mouth to say something....
The judge cuts him off.
"Trust me, this is what you want!"
The lady next to me chuckles. She's not the only one.
I want to vomit.
1:00
There are about 100 of us left.
1:01
The judge addresses all of us. He's talking so rapidly I can barely make out a word.
I hear "work it out with the prosecuter.."
"$250 surcharge.."
"$35 court fees.."
"plea deals....guilty...trial..."
My hands are getting clammy, my mouth is dry. I'm starting to re-think my strategy.
1:03
The judge walks out.
My head is spinning.
We are warned not to leave.
The walls are caving in on me.
A 6'3" black guy with his pants magically floating 5 inches above his knees is walking/dancing slowly up the aisle burping and yelling out "I'm goin'na trial baby.."
A 50 something year old ex marine is jawing with the insolent black guy now..telling him to "shut up before he ****** his ****** up his *****"
I put in a silent prayer to God for an all out brawl to break out.
God doesn't listen to my prayer.
The walls are spinning. I need food.
1:10
The prosecutor starts calling out names...
1:30
He's up to my letter in the alphabet.
1:36
My name.
I stand up and walk toward the front under the watchful gaze of bald, half frowning Sergeant.
I sit in front of a hulking Police captain. He looks at my file, runs his hand through his hair and looks up at me.
My eyesight is going blurry.
I focus in on coal black eyes.
"There are no points for this ticket, why are you here?"
I answered weakly, "because I'm not guilty.."
gasp
He looked at me strangely, as if I had just told him "Because I'm a parsley".
I tell him that I wasn't using my phone it to communicate just as an mp3 player.
He turned to the prosecutor sitting beside him and inquired about that.
The prosecutor looked at me sternly and said "that's also illegal".
I started replying and opening my papers.
He looked at me again through his metal glasses that made his eyes look bigger than they actually were and said,"you're arguing with me?"
The Captain was staring at me.
The Sergeant came over to the table to see what was going on.
They all looked so healthy and well fed.
The prosecutor continued, "you could wait for the judge to come back, plead not guilty when your turn comes, then get a trial date, spend another day here, and if you lose you'll have to pay double the fine, plus $250 and court fees."
The eyes glaring at me, the hunger pangs and the bright white walls were all pleading for me to concede.
My heart was racing, I was just dealt an uppercut and could feel the energy draining out of me.
I felt a last reserve of strength come out of nowhere, I suddenly felt like the lead character in a film of one little man's stand against injustice and "the system".
I was about to say something...when the Captain looked at me and winked with half a smile and said "come on David, it's just $130 I'll walk you to the window.."

1:59
I was beaten.



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Predeterminism vs Free Will

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I believe in Predeterminism and I also believe in Free Will.

How is that possible?

I believe the idea of absolute freedom of choice is so scary to people, that very few of us really exercise that freedom.

So the predetermined script remains largely untouched.

If you're holding a knife and talking to your friend, your script says..do not stab him. But the frightening reality is that you absolutely CAN stab him if you exercise your free will. So the script remains.....

It's quite simple..


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Yiddish iz nisht dead

Once upon a time there was a very charming and expressive language, if not elegant, called Yiddish.
It was a very organic language that grew out of the reality of the Jewish experience in Eastern Europe. It went on to become the national language of our people both religious and otherwise.
When one hears an old man or women telling over stories "fin der heim" in Yiddish with all the inflections and subtleties that come along with it on can almost smell and taste the atmosphere being described.
These days, Yiddish feels very forced. Like it's a language we kind of need to speak if you're chassidish or really yeshivish. The flavor is gone though and slowly but surely the words are disappearing as well until what we're left with is English with Yiddish grammar rules.

Enter Exhibit A: The above advertisement appeared in a local rag a few weeks ago. For those that cannot read Hebrew lettering, it transliterates to REDY IN STOK TZI DELIVERIN. For those that don't know Yiddish that translates roughly into READY IN STOCK TO DELIVER.

Now the sidebar does have a Yiddish word "Etliche" which means Several but then is followed by SIZES and STYLES both of which have Yiddish translations.

Vut Kenn You Say?

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inside, outside

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I splash water
on my face
....brown eyes
tiptoe past
peaceful rooms
with small beds
..and long lashes
to the kitchen
..to my morning coffee
across the table
from.....her place
and..I just want to write
a poem to that space
..and to the coffee
and the lashes

..that's usually
when I notice (him)
out the window
..in (his) car
just watching
always...watching
with the saddest
brown eyes
I have ever
......seen





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a meditation for trying times

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If I didn't acknowledge peoples absolute autonomy and freedom to make their own choices, then my own choices would be meaningless.

-David On The Lake


When observing those strange creatures around you, otherwise known as Other People, there are a few important things to keep in mind.

If other peoples actions start to effect your core than it's time to pack up and leave, like a firefighter who when trying to save a trapped person realizes that he's walking into a death trap and certain death, turns around and concedes.
As difficult as it may be to watch "frum" people behave like bafoons I need to disengage from the reflex to want to somehow control.
My equilibrium remains blissfully intact.
I must become an island and lift the drawbridge and realize that the universe is really ME.
I am not bound to anyones beliefs nor am I bound to the very own beliefs that I held yesterday.
I am a bastion of freedom and every moment represents a new decision to live the life I choose.
What any one else does also ONLY exists because of and in the manner that I allow it into my universe.
The simple truth is that every single impression, idea, vision, piece of conciousness that I possess MUST come through me in order to exist for me.

I have absolutely no idea what anyone else's God looks like. Even if we share the basic building blocks of Gods form ie. father, merciful, loving, judging... I have no way of knowing that the building blocks themselves are the same in my mind as they are in the next persons. Say the word "father". To one person it might conjure up sweet loving images and to another, harsh, strict and intimidating.
So in essence every person has their own private religion. So why do we become so bogged down by what others do in the name of their religion?
That means that no one else's God or religion need effect me at all, no matter how eerilie similar it appears to my own.

So I watch people do the most absurd things and it just doesn't effect me at all. On the contrary it just bolsters this idea we are all individual bastions of freedoms making our own choices and living with the consequences.

So, all you bloggers, comment writers, slaves of news and others I ask that you stop pulling your hair out because of other peoples actions. Stop groveling and apologizing and being so dependent on other people for your inner peace. Lift up the drawbridge and become an island of faith.

Put yourself at the center of the universe because you're already there.


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shampoo review

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I don't usually do product reviews but I need to tell you about this amazing new shampoo I've been using.
It's 2 in 1 Volumizing Shampoo by Pert.

As a matter of fact it's so potent...those 2 bottles in the picture were the SAME size when I bought them just a week ago!


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the miracle tonight

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sure....miracle..and fire
...is sometimes required
to take us from 1 to eight
to show us the light
.......when we think it's too late

..but the goal
ultimately
is the realization
....that lights and miracles
can be released from our grasp (it's ok)
....for its really all here inside us
and these truly last

so raise your voice
.....and rejoice
at empty and darkened windows
...tonight
for the true miracle
needs to ignite
..deep inside
..its the miracle of night nine



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