as the world spins

The other day I was sitting and playing Dreidel mesmerized by the hypnotic, blurred motion of the spinning top.
Amazed at how such a relatively large item can be balanced on such a small point and remain upright as long as it's in motion.
And I instantly saw the connection to Chanukah.
This is precisely what it's all about.
This great vast universe that we inhabit. Science and wisdom has been working and toiling in getting to understand it and how it spins.
But up to a certain point. And that point is literally the point.
There was that moment before matter and before the big bang. The moment that is represented by the tiny point of the yud in Hashems name. The first urge to create..
It's that limitation that sets us apart from the Greeks.
Science will always be baffled by another trying to capture the "moment before".
Science is spending billions of dollars smashing and colliding atoms under the Swiss Alps to glimpse those precious moments.
But it'll always be a step ahead..(or behind..)
So we spin the dreidel...and internalize this idea..of the vast universe with all her knowledge and data, spinning and carefully balanced on that divine point, so that we can always see the world from that perspective.

.

Chanukah 2am

he shuffled downstairs
2am silence
filled the dark hallway
with nothing
on his way to the fridge
he glanced into the
living room..
and found himself
heading toward
......the window
where one candle
.........still lit
filled the room..
with a flickering
golden light...the
faint scent of olive oil..
hanging in the air..
he sat down..in the big
leather sofa..
and just watched..
he listened to the wind..
howling outside...
and felt a warmth..
that had never
....been felt before
the single flame..
danced before him..
...holding onto life
his eyes felt heavy
and they began to close..
and his mind began
it's sweet journey
..into the unreal...
fantastical..rides..
on airships..too close to
the ground...
where he could see..
windows..with happy faces
(..and some sad ones too)
with menorahs...
of all kinds..through the ages
.......to visit
.....his grandfather
from another world
who told him..wonderful
secrets....of bygone days..
in that wonderful..
3rd floor walkup
Boro Park apartment..
that he remembered..
so well..in dreams...
...only to say goodbye
and trip on a pile of mail..
...down
...........the
.................steps
his heart..
...jumping

only to find himself..
back on the cold leather couch..
in the dark living room..
....quiet house
howling wind
...beyond
the pane

...candle
extinguished
in the
shadows


.

Happy Chanukah

The Tiger within us..

.

I don't usually interest myself much in the sordid tales of celebrity shenanigans, nor do I think that just because you are a celebrity you have to start behaving like a saint. People should go to their Rabbis or parents for moral clarity not some guy that can hit a ball with a stick.
But the way this whole Tiger Woods story unfolded has had me thinking.

Here's a guy who has this affair for 31 months. Now that's a far cry from a one night stand. 31 months means endless moments, exchanges of niceties, intimacies, expressions of all kindsa stuff, building up this huge illusion in his head.
And then, when she could make a few dollars selling the story...it all comes crashing down.

And I imagine..that's exactly how it's going to be in the next world when the Yetzer Hora, who just spend 70, 80 years seducing and being our best friend, our lovers, our partners in crime, suddenly stands there publishing headlines about us for all to see.

The whole illusion crumbling to pieces.
The betrayal that cannot even be called a betrayal, because the fidelity only existed in the fantasy that is your mind.

And yet, the next celebrity is already waiting on line to be next in this humbling affair..and the towers of illusion grow taller still.


.

those that wait

.


the lights were shut
one after another
in rapid..
...succession

the door shut..
..the lock turned
keys jingling
footsteps
...fading

in the darkness
to the blue light
of a distant
...fishtank
you can make out
figures..
..sitting
immobile


those that have
been fed..
and swallowed
...the myth
that good things
come..to those
...that wait

they sit there


still



.

crooked

I came out of the office the other day and proceeded to fetch my car. This wasn't very difficult, as it was the only car left in the lot.
Any casual observer looking at my car at that moment would assume that I'm the worst parker in the world. My car was situated haphazardly at an extremely odd angle.
A mathematician would have delighted in the previously unheard of angles I had created.

However if you would have been there earlier when I parked, you would have seen that the way all the cars around me were situated really left me no choice but to squeeze my car in that way and it would have seemed perfectly natural.
It's only now..that I'm out of that context that you see how crooked..

And I thought to myself..
How can we ever judge anyone?
Do you know what kind of environment that person grew up in?
When you see someone haphazard, you're seeing them exposed, out of context.
If you would have followed him/her from birth it all might make sense. People are formed and squeezed into the people, enviroment and actions around them and sometimes when experiences surrounding them are on odd angles there is only one spot in which this person can squeeze into..and that might be a crooked one as well.
So do not be quick to judge that person..when all the cars around him/her have disappeared from your view.


.

ARGGHH!!

I see...
..that suicide
is somehow
not enough
..to sHAkE us
out of our
....paralysis
I'm now convinced..
.....I'm very afraid
that it'll have to come
to murder..
...a well placed bullet
borne of RAGE..
..blood seeping through the rug
forcing the dirt..
....from underneath



.

[cAncEr]

Every once in awhile..
I'll come across...this
Researchers close to
finding cure
Cure..for [cancer]
or something like that..
and we breathe..
maybe..?

but then I think

this carefreeclosedhearted
generation..of mocking anything
serious..and constricting..
this generation..
..of 7 lb steak
and shaindy
dot commm
this silly group..of
frumcultured..
frivolous..dont tell
ME what to do
vosizneias commenters
that we are
yea
Theres still one word
that strikes FEAR..
one C wo A rd N that pen C etra E tes R
the most calloused soul..
that interrupts the dizzying
circle..of dancing hentelech..
and swirls black..
...in the middle

so...god help us
if that disappears


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New Song! Mimkomcha

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This one is with vocals only...


.

update and observation

New story on the way...

I've noticed something quite peculiar around Lakewood.
Every morning I see High School girls by the hundreds walking..walking briskly...sometimes miles, to their respective schools.
They can be seen walking two by two..or three by three with their uniforms no matter what the weather.

At the same time you'll inevitably see Yeshiva Bochurim lazily standing on the shoulder of the road with their thumbs sticking up, hat on a tilt, Tefillin dangling haphazardly.
The absolute picture of laziness.

Something wrong with this picture?


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New Song! Tzomoh Nafshi

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.

momentary gift..

the leaves were falling..
like a colorful blizzard..
the air was thick with..
the sweet scent of autumn..
and..was heavy with a sad..
kinda nostalgia..like
train stations..and..
they stood there..
.....all seven there was
cheery April..
bright eyed May..
fun loving June and July..
lazy August..
fashionable..September..
and October..just plain cool..
.....and me
with my winter valice..
..the memories..filling the air
between us...

I turned to head North...
when they said..

wait...

we have a little
gift for you..
a little something
we wont be needing..
until we come back..
use it well..
and enjoy...this
....extra hour


and they disappeared over the darkening horizon..


.

curses

He sat in his place after the closing door told him that he was alone. The Shul was half lit by weak fluorescent bulbs.
He was a poor and childless man and his house was a dark and tense place.
So he lingered here as long as he could.

He opened his Chumash and started learning the enigmatic chapter of the original sin. He suddenly sighed and took off his glasses. He sat there staring into some unseen dimension and starting whispering to Hashem.
He said "Hashem..I can understand if you don't want to bless me, afterall I might not be worthy of blessings..but I'm asking you to curse me..!
Didn't you curse all mankind with the words By the sweat of your face you will eat bread? Hashem...where's my bread? . And Father..did you not curse Eve...You will give birth to children with pain. Where's my curse?? Am I so low..that I'm not even worthy of being cursed?"

The tears were now rolling down his cheeks and he was shaking back and forth in an intense trancelike motion..letting his emotions flow in the emptiness.

He suddenly remembered the Gemara that says that a poor person and one without children are one of the 4 situations in which a person is nechshav k'meis..it's as if he's dead.

And he suddenly realized that he had been reserved for the worst of the primeval curses of them all.
And somehow found comfort in that.


.

genesis

He lay in bed..
cold...
dark and damp..
winds howling
on the other side..
of the fragile glass..
It had been a week now..
since he had been

banished

from the garden of eden
a week...since..
he'd been
basking in that
ethereal glow..

but God told him to go
and he fetched the strength
he needed to go on
to re-set...
genesis of time..
In the beginning..
all over again
God created the world
in 6 days...
He'd have to wait 5 days
for his turn..
but in the meantime..
he'll watch...
and crave...that 7th day..
in the garden of eden
(before he gets banished)

...(again)



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Chol Hamoed Pictures

I had the opportunity, this past Chol Hamoed to go to some truly beautiful places in Upstate NY and Cattus State Park in Toms River, NJ
Here are some pictures..
Enjoy!

all together now

the stillness of the house
broken by the porch door
sliding open..
and then closed again
with muted thud..
he enters the chilly sukah
early morning mist..
they lay there...waiting
all year...
the lulav proud and upright
model citizen...
in the morning chill..
brings the hadas...
with his perfectly coifed..
green leavery..close to him..
and then...reaches out..
to the unruly..arava...
the one with no wisdom..
and no deeds..
wild leaves..
and pulls him close..
on his other side..
today...they see...
how..essential he is
huddled together..warm..
even the tzadik the Esrog...
inches closer....
as the sun rises..
and the rays..line through the slats..
and all of them together...
are lifted...and become..
one complete
perfect
.....mitzvah...



.
chag sameach

.

Mi K'Amcha Yisroel!

Yom Kippur is a day of fast. Having driving forbidden in Israel during this holiday, the people replace the cars and take over the highways. This video is captured from a building's viewpoint on a main social area in Tel Aviv, and covers 32 hours just before it starts and all the way to the end


I don't know if they have YouTube in heaven..but if they do..I'm sure the Barditchiver Rebbe Zt'L is playing this before the Kisei Hakavod...


..

lost

In the alphabetic confessional Viduy that we say...
these days...and all days..
the final two...Ta'inu..we have gone astray...
and Tit'anu..is a source of much contention..
what exactly does it mean?
heres my 2 cents..if I may..

It says...In the path in which a person wants to go...he is led there...
in other words...Hashem...not only let's us choose
whatever path we want to travel on..
he even helps us attain our goals..
no matter how bad they are..

...there was a time..when people chose..
paths..and ideologies....divergent from our own...

but today...today?
we are so lost...
so far from a semblance of a path
and so we say..Ta'Inu...we have strayed
we are so lost...
we aren't on any path....
and the Posuk says...if you see someone's animal..astray..
If you see it wandering off the path....you must return it...
again...and again..and again..even a hundred times..
so we beseech our Father and say...don't lead us further..
down this path..because...there's no path here..
we're lost...

and that could be what Tit'anu means...it's 2 times the word To'eh תעתענו
in other words...we've been lost and lost..again and again...
and yet...you always find us..
somehow..

Gmar Chasima Tova



.

Judgement Day

The day dawns fresh and new. Men with their little children hurrying down the avenues and alleyways to shuls and synagogues. Hashem renews and resets the universe every year on this day. Everyone has a chance for a new beginning. The proverbial clean slate.
If you think about it seems strange that a day like this should be Judgement Day.

Wouldn't it make more sense for Judgement Day to be at the end of the old year? To seal the old year with Judgement and then to start anew?

Here we see the mercy of God...
Hashem waits to judge us on the old until he sees what are we going to do with a new beginning.
Like a child who did terribly on his finals and his teacher says..ok heres a new test let's see how hard you work
.
So..that's why Rosh Hashana is Judgement Day.
A fresh and clean slate...nothing holding us back. Nothing tying us to past actions... He makes it easy to want to be good and correct the misdeeds of the old and in that spirit he allows the present to color the past and merit a good year.

Let's all strive to better...and look forward to a sweet, healthy and prosperous year.



.

9/11 again

.

small steps

I'm sorry Mr Armstrong..
but I fail to see...
40 year on
how your small dusty step
for man..has been
a giant leap...
for anyone..

Instead I drive around
on this crisp..
...september morning
......slowly...and see
on every corner..
......little children..
some in uniform..
nervous..quivering
....lower lip..of moms..
as huge yellow steps pull up..
and their little tiny feet..
....take..the first small steps..
that are the true
giant leaps
...for mankind


.

8 pints

the rain falls...
drop
... by

.... drop..
JOltInG me...with cold
tiny stabs...at first...
ssslowly..cold to cool..
rivulets..down my skin
absorbed into pores..
becoming blood...
My blood....(I think)
......8 pints of life
2 bottles of coca cola
keep this machine running...
this machine that is me..
And as it seeps out
of the stab wound..(how?)
I see you watching..
hoRRified...gripping yourself
as if..trying to somehow..
hold your own blood in place...
Your own 2 liter bottle..
Its the last thing I see..
Before 4 pints...
flow out of me..
..just like crazy that!
taking my soul..
soul...that is suddenly
......trapped in that
oh so nauseatingly sweet
Bottle of Coca Cola*





*Coca Cola is a trade mark of the Coca Cola company




.

virtually topsy turvy

True story..

I took my son out for a walk the other day on a clear night, down a quiet lane and the stars were out filling the sky with all their twinkling glory. My son looks up in awe and says..whooooaaa I feel like I'm at the planetarium.

Sheesh


I could just imagine in 20 years from now a diary entry..something like this..

Dear Diary.
Today, day 3 at the resort.
My friend and I borrowed these cool old fashioned rackets from the hotel and went to the old tennis courts in the back.
It was so cool playing..with the mountains in the background and the wind in my face..
It felt jussssstttt like I was on my Wii..

ye

when you lay

when you lay..
with your little boy
4 hours after a CT scan
its very different..

..when you put him to sleep
you suddenly notice..
in the dim fading light
how long and beautiful
his eyelashes are...
how soft his limp hand
is against your lips..
his scent...massages
your very soul..
and you forget..
for a moment
..the agonizing wait
for results...


.

forecast outcast

He'd come to town...
...from time to time

THUNDERING

as only...
...an
............i s o l a t e d
storm...
....can


.